I wonder how many people are actually reading these posts? It’s strange to share all of these thoughts, feelings, intimate details and never really knowing who has actually taken the time to read, ponder, and absorb the energy I am putting in. I wonder who, now, as I invest in myself, will also invest in me. I wonder who realizes that when they invest in me, they are also investing in themselves. It’s an interesting realization ~ take your time with that statement.
I have a friend ~ a mirror ~ and a lovely one at that :) ~ who has brought up several times over the last few weeks that I, may be a catalyst for others. Maybe. I would think so. How do you really know? I guess if the other person shares it with you, and/or with others. I would estimate that 95% of the people in my world are just quiet. I don’t know what quiet means. I don’t know what not sharing means.
I have, for the most part, been a fairly direct communicator, quite blunt at times. Sometimes it is helpful, other times it has gotten me into “trouble”. How do I know? Because there was feedback, even if it was non-verbal ;) feedback, even if it was “late” or delayed feedback. I am not implying that my way is the right way for anyone other than me, so please hear me out.
I have not yet fully grasped what to do with quiet, with no response. I understand there are people who have a non-direct style of communication…with my whole being, I can honestly say, I do not understand. I can 100% grasp where it probably stems from…however, why it persists, how it can be held in, or shut off for really long periods of time…I do not understand. It truly feels like we are speaking two different languages. Lol, I was just about to say that I wish someone would teach me how to speak it and then laughed at the irony and immediately changed my mind. I am not criticizing anyone that has a non-direct style of communication, I only want to more fully understand. Now, I fully understand and appreciate restraint, waiting for the right moment to speak up, I am not addressing restraint here.
Is it that you don’t want to be seen, like, ever? And that would include you sharing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, or yes, intimate details with others? Quiet has often led me to move to assumption…assumptions are usually not fair, clear, or fully true, as we only have the capability to project our own experience on the situation at this point. Which is why I have mostly stopped the practice of assumption…I still catch myself occasionally, it may take a lifetime to perfect ;)
***It’s important to note here, if you in any way, have felt or currently feel like I have, about the “quiet” or not receiving feedback, you do not take any of it personally ~ if you do, you will feel like you are “nothing” or do not matter to others. And that is a dangerous assumption. As I just mentioned, assumptions are usually not fair, clear, or fully true. Although it can be difficult to go back to the conversation, especially if a ton of time has passed, it is always better to go back and ask versus running on assumption.
Maybe, the “becoming a therapist” thing ruined me for “normal” conversation…although, I might have just been born this way…to go deep, to want to know myself, to want to know others. I’d rather be, and can be, the life of the “party”, I love fun, I love being funny, I love laughter so much…even then, I go deep…I believe true laughter stems from truth…laughter is validation, laughter is brave, it is open, it is loud. This is why my style of therapy had to include laughter. Break the ice, laugh, dive deep, laugh, find the treasure hidden in the dark, laugh, bring it to the surface, laugh. Repeat. You can and must want depth, truth, and fun for anything real and long lasting in life.
I digressed…
An external validation of what you are sensing internally is a true act of kindness, of grace really ~ there is a sense of peace that follows for that person ~ yes, even with feedback you do not necessarily “like”.
I can handle a genuine f#@k you as easily as I can handle a genuine hug. I know what to do with both ~ smile ~ yes, with both, it’s easy ~ smile and detach or smile and embrace. This is acceptance of the situation, the person, and the energy at hand.
I don’t know what to do with quiet, with being ignored, with lack of closure. It used to drive me mad because I needed an answer. It doesn’t anymore, it’s not that I do not desire the answer, it’s that I am choosing not to spend any energy in spaces that do not want to share energy with me.
Now, the quiet, it does a “no-thing”, it’s almost like a numbing but not quite…having trouble finding the right word to describe. Maybe, more like a dissolving feeling, like salt to water…or like when the wind carries away a scent. And you realize it’s pointless to chase it, it’s just gone. Detached
There is one person…even though it is quiet…this one person’s energy is not dissolving, is not allowing the wind to carry it away, it is refusing to detach, it lingers. Yet the quiet persists ~ this person is nowhere in sight. I don’t know what to do with this quiet ~ this quiet is so loud. I could really use that act of kindness and grace, that f#@k you or that hug, the closure or the start of something new right now. Even if it’s just a whisper to break the silence.
Mercy, please. Sounds dramatic, I know. It feels dramatic. It’s probably less dramatic than I make it out to be…or maybe not, depends on what eventually comes out of the silence, I guess.
I invite you to break the silence today. Make some noise. You choose the type of noise you want or need to make. Show the world you exist, you are here. Acknowledge the existence of others, laugh, play, hug, or give them a good ol’ f#@k you…whatever you do, make it genuine, live and speak your truth.
I wonder how many of you reading this actually will accept the invitation. I wonder how many of you reading this will ever let me know. I wonder how many sparks I lit today, and indeed if I was a catalyst, even for the tiniest thing in your life. I wonder if the quiet ones will finally break their silence. And if not, I wonder what will finally break them.
Until we meet again…
Always with Love & Gratitude,
Cheryl Levadney
