There have been a few Sunday mornings over the last couple of months in which I wondered if that morning would be a morning off from writing and publishing a post; this morning is another one of those mornings. And just as I am about to walk away something pulls me back. I wonder if we will run out of things to contemplate? I wonder if I will tire of contemplation? I wonder if whomever is reading or listening is becoming bored or tired of contemplating what I am contemplating? I wonder if the time I spend here really means anything or is making any difference - a sort of “what’s the point” moment? I wonder if some may be tuning in to stay up to date on whether or not my love and money dreams are working out for me? I wonder if the phrase “everything is always working out for me” (credit to Abraham Hicks) will ever show itself to not be true for anyone? I wonder where Spirit will guide me today…I wonder if I need to change the title of this blog to Sunday Morning Coffee Confessions with Cheryl instead of Contemplations…
I have a sense that Spirit wants me to talk about Shadow work today and I am feeling slightly resistant to the topic. Maybe, because of a dream I had last night that ended up being somewhat of a nightmare; it was really quite fucked up and do not want to traumatize you with the details. What I will say is I continue to be surprised at the depths the Shadow can dive and if you allow it to take you to where you never thought you needed to go, you will learn things about yourself and others that was right there the whole time, but you didn’t see it for what it actually was.
The places the Shadow will lead you may be considered "taboo", maybe even a little fucked up at times, but always insightful into areas of self-sabotage or all the other areas of life we just feel blocked. You will definitely rise out of those depths with new eyes. This week was a deep dive sort of week for me. The dream I had last night was an indication I might need to go back in, like I missed something. Or maybe it is part of the integration period after a shift or change. I feel like I am hesitating because I am not sure how to talk about this subject without scaring anyone or not making it sound like I have lost all my damn marbles.
When you ask Spirit to help you see what you are missing, what you don’t see, what you have been avoiding, what you know is there but don’t want to look at, or just plain forgot about, or can’t fathom; when it is shown to you, it will be obvious to you, you might even laugh at it, you might wonder why you were even hiding it in the first place, but to talk about how you got back there to discover what you hid is maybe the taboo route, maybe it’s not a big deal. If you can put judgement of yourself and others aside and just stay in the moment. It might feel a bit “naughty” but that is the route of the Shadow. The Shadow likes taboo and naughty. And Spirit pushed me to deep dive with my Shadow this week - and, you know me - a Fool on a Fool’s Journey - of course I did not hesitate. I was sure to come back with treasure! And treasure I indeed came back with; one I am still processing today and will be contemplating I imagine for quite some time.
I happened upon this new method like anything else in my life, either I trip over it, my inner guidance leads me to it, or an earth angel “suggests” something with just the right pitch or tone in their cadence that catches my attention. This was one of those things. An earth angel suggested a book to me in just the right cadence. I happened to have some credits in my Audible account and downloaded it, I think it sat there for a couple of weeks and it was nagging at me to listen to it. As a mental health therapist, I will warn you upfront, this is not something you should enter into if you are super depressed without the help of a therapist. If you are earnestly seeking to do and are brave enough to do Shadow work on your own, you can contact me directly for the book information. This isn’t for everyone - I trust you know your own capacity - I still wish to be careful.
The Shadow took me on a deep dive into why I had a patterned history of people, love, and money that were in and out, hurtful, absent, sometimes borderline emotionally abusive, really unbalanced in the area of give and take, and of course a sprinkle of boundary issues. Something that I couldn’t quite get at with the other work I had been doing. I think because - and here is the fucked-up part - that part of me really enjoyed it, in fact loved it. One of the first things the book talks about is “having is evidence of wanting”. Which then takes you on a path of “what part of me wants this - and why”. Not uncommon in parts work. The route of this type of deep dive is interesting to say the least. As the Shadow begins to express itself, you begin to make the connection, and can feel in the body why it is so enjoyable and fucked up all at the same time. I actually quite enjoyed this route - and, I fully admit it seems fucked up. And it is fucked up because in allowing the Shadow to fully take over, to fully take the stage, even for just a few minutes, you feel super naughty, and the naughty feels so good, and it feels so good to own it, and then something quite magical happens. After the Shadow has gotten its moments in the spotlight - its pull dissipates - the attraction or magnetism seems to have switched to a neutral or even repelled state. What I expected to happen, didn't. I expected when allowing the Shadow to take over, to fully enjoy and relish, no longer hidden that I would feel shame or at least something on that spectrum. I didn't. Instead, I felt powerful, I felt like I was telling the truth, I felt clarity.
When allowing the Shadow to take the stage, I am wondering now, did the spotlight represent Spirit shining light on what was hidden so it could be healed once revealed??
Spirit wants us to understand we are already healed, if we want to be healed. We are already whole, we just cannot see it because of all the yuck blocking the light. I have heard that Spirit and Shadow work together, never really understanding what this meant. This week has now given me direct conscious experience that Spirit and Shadow can and will cooperate working together on your behalf. All we must do is be able to look at it, shine the spotlight on it, own why you have loved it, and how it has helped you in a sort of twisted way. Once you allow it, accept it, embrace it, it no longer holds any power over you.
The deep dive I took this week allowed a deep deep deep sense of unworthiness take the stage, another level of unworthiness I didn’t realize was hidden, running the show, lingering in the depths of my psyche, one I may not have found if I hadn’t taken the taboo route. My hope is that this work indeed ends the self-destructive and self-sabotaging patterns in my life, that the energy attracting the people and situations related to these patterns would dissipate, that the energy dissipating would also help the people and situations attracted to it. Those people and situations were magnetized to take advantage of my deep deep deep sense of unworthiness, to take advantage, and then leave, this would leave them with a deep deep deep sense of guilt, they would come back posing as if they needed forgiveness only to again take advantage of the unworthiness, leading to more guilt. The loop was endless. If the energy of unworthiness is no longer there, there would be no pull to take advantage, no reason for guilt, no reason for forgiveness.
I am realizing another connection in this moment, as I have been studying the Gene Keys by Richard Rudd, according to our Gene Key Profiles, we are all carrying an aspect of the fragmented Core Wound of humanity - in our DNA - this brings new meaning to "taking one for the team". According to my profile, I am carrying the aspect of humanity’s GUILT in my DNA that is to be healed. In order to fulfill my duty, and heal this piece of the wound, I am to forgive, over and over and over. Now, I wonder if healing the unworthiness magnetizing others to take advantage is actually the answer, as in theory, if that were eliminated, there would no longer be any guilt to forgive, attracted, or being mirrored to me…
For those of you curious… In order to know which aspect that you specifically carry, you will need to go to his website to input your information to receive your free profile. The different aspects of the fragmented Core Wound of humanity include Repression, Denial, Shame, Rejection, Guilt, and Separation. You might be able to guess which wound you carry if you can recognize which you are seeing outside of yourself that is being magnetized to you…look for people in your life that you can clearly see have hidden fears, are in denial, are carrying shame, are consistently feeling rejected, are consistently forgiving/allowing others endless second chances, or are completely isolated/feel like they do not belong anywhere. Those themes, especially if it has been recurring or looping in your life may be an indication of the aspect you carry in your DNA. It may be difficult to see it within yourself but easily clearly outside of you. The one thing you must remember when feeling into the aspect you are carrying is that it is not actually your personal wound...it is humanities, and why it is so difficult to pinpoint where the root of it is, do not forget this if you choose to do a deep dive.
I might be breaking my own brain right now. I apologize if I lost you. Everything is so intricately connected, and I am obviously still processing my experiences over the last week. I am realizing how this one Shadow state I allowed in the spotlight this week has bled into every aspect of my life. Which makes sense relating it back to it activating the Core Wound of guilt I was or am carrying in the DNA.
If anyone is interested in learning more about what the "taboo" route really entails, the name of the book, or if any of this has stirred something within you and you do not know what to do with it, feel free to contact me directly to get answers.
Maybe more next time after this has had a little more time to fully integrate. Who would have thought the collaboration of Spirit and Shadow in real time a taboo route to a super meaningful end or beginning or both, I suppose?
Always with Love & Gratitude,
Cheryl