This has been an interesting week. As spring is approaching, there is a stirring up of “old shit” or buried energies that seemingly want to be cleaned up and out before new life can be planted in fertile soil…the old shit can be utilized for fertilizer or compost I suppose.
My purpose is to forgive in this life. I believe I have shared this in a previous post. Forgive others and ultimately myself. We are not who we think we are, and who we think we are, are indeed people who constantly need forgiveness. We came into this world a whole being, due to life and conditioning we began to perceive ourselves, others, and life as broken, fragmented, separate. The truth is we are still whole beings, that never changed. We only need to regain our original sight.
I believe this can happen slowly as we clean up and out one fragmented piece of us at a time or perhaps in clusters, or maybe even one profound sweep will do. Mine has happened in clusters and sometimes one piece at a time. I suppose it has to do with how much you believe you can actually handle looking at and letting go of all at once. One profound sweep might be too much too fast, as the sweep reveals the real you, the original you, the one that really did not yet have an “identity” ~ that could send some over the edge. So maybe it is one at a time or in clusters, doing it in this way can lead you on a path of little miracles for the rest of your life, why miracles? Because cleaning is healing, cleaning is changing your mind, changing your mind is forgiveness, true forgiveness is miraculous.
This week, my Being brought an old memory out of the basement, maybe it was in a cellar, regardless, it was brought up from the depths and dusted off for me to take the opportunity to review and decide what I wanted to do with it. Now, with all the work I had done I thought my childhood had been swept clean…I forgot a piece of me I shoved down into the basement and apparently hadn’t wanted to see ever again. It was brought to my attention as the beginning of a dream that woke me up, I did not stop the memory from replaying, I allowed it. I could see every detail, hear every sound, felt every body sensation. And then I cried and cried some more, I had never finished releasing the pain of this incident. I had shut it down not knowing what to do with it at the time. I was then shown how this one incident went on under the radar to shape every decision I had made since that moment. That part of me never left, she refused to be forgotten, and she did that so one day I would come back and recover her.
Last week I wrote about being tired. I realized that the tired was linked to this memory. The tired, not cured by sleep or coffee was a slight dissociative state, which makes sense, because the memory carries an incident in which that 12-year-old part of me totally went into a dissociative state and hid for 34 years. My heart hurts for her, I do not feel sorry for her, I am sorry for the pain she has held for 34 years, the pain that I wasn’t brave enough in the past to bring to the light for healing. She attempted to get my attention on many occasions through “self-sabotaging” behaviors or through mirroring in relationships, but I did not hear her cries or was just ignoring them. On some level I suppose I didn’t want to feel that pain ever again, nor did I want to feel the pain that others were feeling around me again, I didn’t want to be blamed and shamed and ridiculed and wrongly judged, I didn’t want to be the punching bag for fear, control, and anger ever again. I remember when I literally moved into the basement, it wasn’t long after the incident. All I wanted to do was hide. They all blamed me. I wasn’t completely innocent, but I was only 12 years old. And the punishment did not fit the “crime”.
Fear and anger are “imaginary monsters” adults have lurking all around, they somehow come to the belief that these monsters are friends and that they are real. Adults attempt to pass these “imaginary monsters” onto their children, or if they are lucky maybe not until they are teens. I didn’t really believe in them until I saw the fear, control, and anger monsters take over the adults in my life, usually for bursts of minutes, hours, sometimes days, and then the monsters would leave them again, always returning.
Adults, clean up your imaginary fear, control, and anger monsters, this is not the legacy you want to leave this earth or humanity. Recover the fragmented separated parts of you that are hidden in your Being, those who you have been ignoring and wanting to forget about. It’s not fun to look at and feel all that “old shit” again, I get it. But it doesn’t last as long or even feel as bad as you remember, because you are older now, you are stronger now, you are more compassionate now, you have an understanding of the world and of other people that you didn’t have when whatever it was happened.
The things that really suck if you do not clean it up, you will not remember your whole being, those parts of you will continue attempts to get your attention, those attempts will lead to self-sabotage and other patterns in your life that seemingly cause you “problems”.
What does this look like? Well, my 12-year-old exile, had me believing it was my fault when other people behaved badly. It was my fault if they hurt me. Others always get a pass, especially men, but never me, I didn’t deserve a pass. Everyone else could have fun or make fun at my expense. I needed to keep my emotions under control or it was my fault when they ran away. I was soon taking accountability and responsibility for everyone else’s shit. It was all somehow my problem to fix. I picked men and friends who would be absent, pick “her” or other priorities over me, they might apologize for what I was upset about, but never took true accountability for their “bad” behavior or even gave an explanation of why, ”if you wouldn’t_____, you name it, this never would have happened"…and there was no convincing them otherwise. If I brought things to someone’s attention I would get accused of “ruffling feathers” or rocking boats, once again my fault that others are not healing themselves. Told I am crazy or full of shit. My thoughts, feelings, ideas, dreams, understanding, and premonitions always dismissed or ignored. And although I would fight all of it, there was always a part of me that believed those things were true. So, I would pull in the actors…looks like I was just asking for it or setting myself up for all that disappointment again. It really is insanity.
You see, we pull people in that can play the part of the original actors, magnetize them to replay the “incidents” out in different ways until they are played out in a way that resolves the problem. It doesn’t work. Because the actors that are magnetized to replay the roles have similar fear, control, and anger monsters as the original actors ~ they are as incapable as the first ones. It’s time to wake up, shake off the dissociation, de-condition and re-parent those parts of you for you. When you do this, you heal yourself, and there is an immediate ripple effect in humanity. Do your part. We need you to do your part. Forgive. Perform a miracle.
I officially had a reset this week, I reunited with a perfectly imperfect part of myself, she is the part between childhood and adolescence that nobody missed except me. I need her. That is all that matters. Oh, and I informed her and all the other parts of me, we will no longer allow what happened and the effects of what happened to occur EVER AGAIN. No More. It is done.
The increased amount of clarity, life, sensitivity, and empowerment I feel today is because of this miracle. Wishing you a miracle or two this week as you approach the season of spring cleaning as a step towards regaining your original sight.
Always with Love & Gratitude,
Cheryl