Here goes. Another topic I am a bit squirmish on, at the surface for this AM’s musings. I wonder if I will ever become fully comfortable taking these risks? I suppose it wouldn't be considered a risk if it felt comfortable.
There has been a sequence of events over the last few weeks, months, years, who knows, probably lifetimes that have very recently gotten my FULL attention. These events all have to do with love, money, healing old wounds you hadn’t noticed before - yet they have been with you forever, trust - or lack thereof, and kicking yourself right in the ass or the teeth…doesn’t matter, they both can sting a bit.
If you have been reading or listening to these Sunday Morning Coffee Contemplations, you will notice that I bring up my family often. They were my best teachers; therefore, they will be referred to - I am reminding everyone - I am grateful for all of my teachers whether we got along or not - the lessons have been invaluable.
We are starting today with Protection. When I was a child, I was extremely “over-protected” by my mother. I am not going to rehash it here, as it was covered in a post a couple weeks ago - just will briefly remind, “NO” was her favorite word. I thought it was because she didn’t like me and if I could just do or be better, then maybe I would get a yes. Now, I know it was her fear. She was scared of everything. Fear has a funny way of showing up in the world, it has many faces including but not limited to control and anger.
Fear messes us up more than we know and then messes up the people in our lives…we seriously need to get a handle on it as a society at large. Everyone would need to take full responsibility for themselves - we will leave this for another day.
Back to Protection.
Of course, we know, shit rolls down hill, the whole rebel thing, exes, survival, money, blah blah blah, not going over it again here…. fast forwarding - (if you want more detail you can go to previous posts). Maybe it was my mother’s own “intuition” there would be shit going down that she would have no control over and subconsciously was trying to prevent from happening? Like the “Final Destination” movies…the inevitable is going to happen.
I have realized over time, I sorta did the same thing with my son, I wanted to do everything in my power for him not to have the same life as his bio father. That wasn't my job, my job was to love him no matter how he showed up, support the individual being he was meant to be whether I liked it or not. As much as I believe this with my whole being now, I didn't know this at age 18, I unfortunately can't go back and "fix" it, I can do better now.
Thank God I know better now. We must stop prolonging the inevitability of it all. We all have inner knowing and premonitions whether we realize/believe it or not. Preventing or trying to control is asking for it to happen - I believe this is some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy projected outwards and totally messes us up despite our best intentions. I don’t believe a warning is a bad move all the time…it might wake up or kick start the other person’s inner knowing they might be ignoring. Attempting to prevent their free will for your expected outcome is futile.
I have said a couple different times over the last few years, although different than childhood, how “protected” I think I am; once, to a friend who asked what I meant. I didn’t really get into it at the time but am ready now.
Despite everything I have been through, I am still here. Despite everything I am still going through, I am still here. Despite all of my plans not happening when and how I want them to, I am still here. Despite it all, I am better each moment. Despite all the disappointment, I am still willing to look at life with innocence. Despite all the heartache, I am willing to love more than ever. Despite not knowing anything, I know that everything will turn out exactly as my Soul wanted it to be and my path here is protected. No actual “harm” has ever lasted.
There is a scene, I believe it is in the first episode of “The Chosen” - shout out to this series - bravo - I highly recommend if you haven’t seen or yet heard of it - anyway, - spoiler alert - Jesus approaches Mary Magdalene at a tavern and gently tells her the wine she had just ordered was not for her. Of course, he heals her, and she follows Him. Why do I bring this up? There is a point on this journey of life, you begin to recognize without having to argue or fight, an internal knowing - "that is or is not for me".
What is happening in life is FOR me. If something blossoms or falls apart, it is all FOR me. When we learn this, really embody it we can begin to trust life again, trust ourselves at a deep level. Sometimes it is a “not yet”. How do you really know? Well, you won’t until you do. That is where trusting yourself and your inner guidance come in. Once you are attuned or "in tune" with it, you just know.
Back to the series of events…so many synchronicities and stories, I could really write a book. I will attempt to keep this short, in this attempt many details will be left out… here is a summary. Mind you, there are so many more examples of protection, intuition, and surrender in my life; these ones have held my immediate attention.
Prefacing this next story with a warning: I am purposely avoiding some details to, yes, “protect” this person’s privacy. No names. AND if you think you know, I kindly yet firmly ask you keep it to yourself.
A little over 5 years ago I met a boy - nope, a man. This wasn’t any man. It was HIM. How did I know? I know. You just know. Him, from the way he looked, his voice, the way he presented himself, his eyes…it was hard to maintain eye contact…the intensity, good lord. Every cell in my body lit up. I couldn’t put a sentence together very well, I know I was red everywhere, he took my breath away…it was like every “love at first sight” movie scene when they trip all over themselves - you always hope that’s how you would feel but you get pretty cynical after it “never” happening like that… Here it was, happening to me.
I remember looking for, searching, as a child, teen, adult, always looking around. Never knowing or understanding what I was searching for. I could almost sense at times, that "something or someone" was near but nothing I could put my finger on. When he walked in, the searching came to a complete halt. It hit me, I felt that “thing” just stop - weird. I know. When he introduced himself and rambled off some details of his major life events - I thought instantly - what the hell, he has already done many of the things I have wanted to do. I would learn later there were other synchronicities of our childhoods where we were so close to crossing paths but never did. There was a reason for the feeling I would get in certain places after all.
This was a “business” meeting, so I had to keep my shit together. I needed his assistance with a project I was trying to put together at the time - was given his name by another person who was trying to help me. I NEEDED to keep it together and remain professional. The Universe had finally sent me my divine order and I had to remain professional. Unbelievable. Got through the meeting, he agreed to help. He emails me, I don’t recall, maybe a few days later and asks if he can show the plan to his girlfriend. Fuck. Sure.
Despite a few more meetings, the funding opportunities, collaboration needed, etc. never came together…it all fell apart. In hindsight, Protected. This project was way too much responsibility, I would have been miserable. There are several other “ideas” I have attempted to get off the ground with zero luck. Protected. Why? My intuition says all the pieces of the puzzle must come together. Do you remember, Intuition, we are literally in the midst of the 11th hour? Tick Tock. We are so running late. Trust. Surrender. Stay present. Don’t allow fear to run the show. Okay.
Back to HIM. I maybe would see him once or twice a year, randomly. I remember I was getting ready one morning to meet up with a therapist in town who was looking at starting her own private practice and wanted to meet about EMDR and possibly renting office space. I was so rattled while I was getting ready that morning. What was going on? I arrive at the coffee shop, we are just chatting, whatever I had been feeling started intensifying, and then all of a sudden, HE walks in. WTH?! Was I feeling him? So weird. I was as rattled as I was the first day I laid eyes on him. I do not get rattled like that - EVER.
There were a few other times over the last five years where this, what I call now “anticipation” will rise. Sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s nothing…or nothing comes of it, I guess. There are more details about conversations we had a little over a year ago now that I am going to leave out. I too must respect his process. Let go of the outcome. There is much I need to share with him about all of this when he is ready.
Segway.
Another boy reached out to me this last week. Now, I have been single for 5 years. I would occasionally hangout with an ex man friend of mine on and off but that was definitely for a reason and a season, and we had taught each other everything the relationship and friendship was meant for - all lessons complete. How do you know? You just know. There are no hard feelings towards them (they may still be hurt cuz they didn’t finish or accept their lessons) you just know when yours are done.
Back to the other boy. By the way, I call these boys “practice boys”, just practicing before “the one” shows up. Now, I met this practice boy 20+ years ago. We hung out a couple of times. I had honestly forgotten all about him. He asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner and a drink…LOL, and then get married. WTF. Nope. But, I might be interested in the drink. And the company. I want to have fun with a boy again. So, I say yes. And then I say to my Higher Guidance, if this is not meant to happen, show me a sign. Then within 12 hours of accepting, I open Facebook and a group I had joined had his face on there with a bunch of red flag comments from other gals he had been trolling. Oops for him. I notify him the date is cancelled, tell him why, and block him. This is not for me. Protected.
I guess maybe I don’t need anymore “practice”. I am ready for “the one” whenever Divine Order says it is time.
I KNOW who he is. He now knows mostly that I know who he is (the rest when he is ready). I know I have been protected from everything as he has also been protected from everything - FOR this. For us. I know it sounds insane. Believe me, I have tried to talk myself out of all of it…because if he felt the same, he would have already showed up…right? That is an assumption, I don't know what he is thinking or feeling. That, folks, is the quiet that is so deafening. I won’t chase. I will invite. The invitation is open. Five + years is a lot of patience.
The only question I have, since we all have free will and can drag the lessons out forever if we choose a “settled” sort of “safe” life, is, did I also order a perfect plan B if my perfect plan A chooses differently?
I know that I am being protected from his process. I respect his process and am thankful for being protected from any drama. Doesn’t mean I am not still wondering how much longer this is going to take. 😏We have a life to start sharing. We have shit to do. We have a mission. We both deserve this. I received a sticker in a birthday card this year that reads "Delulu is the Solulu"...ok, I am a GenX who didn't know, so I looked it up...I agree GenZ. 😊 Surrender Cheryl. Trust. Okay.
I am learning how to open and SURRENDER to Divine Order, Divine Timing, to a level of faith and trust I never knew I would need in this lifetime. I am learning to listen to my intuition in the moment, not ask any questions, just do it when the felt sense kicks in. So, despite my ego mind freaking out right now and it is wanting me to delete every word of this, I am trusting. I am not allowing fear to win, to rule my life anymore, or to control my inevitable destiny. Because even if this is a mistake - there are no mistakes - I will know what I need to do next when I need to know. I now know when things are not working out, it is protection, it might mean a "not yet" instead of a no. I am now a-okay with this type of protection; I no longer want to learn any lessons unneeded about what is not for me. And, I now know, everything is always working out FOR me. And FOR YOU. FOR ALL OF US.
Why am I sharing all of this with you? With the world? Maybe as a “wake up” or a “kick-start” for your own intuition, protection and surrender. Why waste any more time? Go inside, what is beyond the fear that has been guiding you this entire time, whether or not you are listening to it? What has gotten you this far despite everything and everyone? I believe we all want freedom ultimately from fear. It’s inside of you, waiting for you to surrender to it. There is freedom in surrender.
Always with Love & Gratitude,
Cheryl
