A wise AND gorgeous sage I know ~ (yes, I am, as my guides are chiding “shamelessly” publicly flirting right now!)…;), ahem…recently said to me, “I have never regretted putting myself out there.” After I calmed myself, I realized, neither had I. In fact, the only thing I have ever regretted, is not putting myself out there. For better or worse, no, for better or even better, the final vapors remaining of the cloud of self doubt hovering over my being has lifted over the last week.
Ugh, here we go again…seriously, I want to not talk about my mother. I am going to add something at the end of this post, my ego wants to prove I don’t have any harsh feelings. No regrets. Buckle up, this might be a long one…in fact, pause here if you like and get you a warm up on your coffee or morning beverage of your choice.
Due to my mother’s favorite word being “no” when I was growing up, she had inadvertently taught me to doubt everything natural within myself. I read a book many years ago by Dan Siegel called “The Yes Brain” - Bravo Dan, Bravo. He goes into the science of raising children with a “yes” vs. a “no” response. I really need to start an affiliate program with authors….so many books I have sold for all of them and they don’t even know it!
Back to blaming my mother for everything…that is sarcasm folks…however, mostly true. I used to tell my clients when we were prepping for EMDR Therapy, it is always the mother’s fault, do not feel bad about it, it is what it is, no judgment on your mother, she did the best she could with what she knew at the time, we just remove the yuck, and be done with it, then all the things you actually love about your mother are revealed.
Now, dads are NOT off the hook here! They cause yuck too. It’s just different yuck. Your “mother wound” is the Mother Wound of all wounds. We all have them and all of us mothers pass them down. I have children and I see the Mother Wound in them. I, with all my heart, wish them into the hands of the best healers to help them reveal, heal, and transform whatever “yuck” I too passed down to them so they can figure out why they actually love me as well.
My “Mother Wound” was the “no”, the “no” invited a dense cloud of self-doubt to enter into my being that would hold me back from, well, being me. It would lead me on a path of detours I never actually needed to take. These detours were all the things I wasn’t. She had trained me to say “no” to me and work for a “yes” to everything outside of me. And that brought me all the things that were “not for me.”
The good thing about detours are, that, they are indeed just detours. The experiences on the detours are opportunity to try new things, make life choices, grow, evolve, decide what you do and do not like, learn all the hard lessons; see, all of these things show you what you are made of, teach you discernment, grow strength and courage you never knew you had. The dense cloud my Mother Wound had invited in was covering something super precious - and I didn’t know it, not until this year. That precious thing is the purity of my own heart, my own being.
If you are not satisfied with what is happening in your life, perhaps you are still on your own “detour”. You will find your way back to you, if you go inside and start listening to your heart, gut, body. The voices in your head (specifically the negative, critical, guilt trippy, pessimistic, angry, fear stricken voices) are not yours. We must stop listening to all the lies our old wounds came up with as “defenses” to “keep us safe”. They might have kept us “safe” when the wound happened. Now, they are only holding us back. Some of this is so deep in the DNA, has been there since conception (some before that - that for another day) and you do not even know it, it’s just always been with you ~ That my friends is the essence of the Mother Wound.
Your other choice is to stay on the detour, or take another. It is always your choice. I joke, when I am feeling “punchy” or something is rising to the surface that I can’t put my finger on quite yet, by saying “someone fed the Gremlins after midnight”. I would now, rather deal with the Gremlins instead of running from them, ignoring them, or letting them reproduce. A lot of people avoid their own inner Gremlins. I get it, Gremlin’s are scary…not Gizmo, Gizmo super cute…but the Gremlins are scary. I know you are brave, somewhere in there, the brave part of you wants to put on their cape and be your own damn hero.
Find your way back to your main path. The map is in your body. What feels good, easy, light, makes you smile, fills you with anticipation, joy, inspiration, courage, passion, compassion, love are your guide posts. When you begin trusting all of that, you are learning to trust yourself, who you were truly meant to be. What feels heavy, dense, dark, sad, shameful, makes you clamp your jaw, clam up, angry, guilty, dirty, tense, etc are the results of being on the detour. Free will is a gift and a privilege, what will you do with it?
Now, on to the “nevers”.
Over the last, I don’t know, maybe 10 years there were moments I really realized the irony of the saying “never say never”. When I have said “never” it always comes back around to bite me in the ass. It’s like an invitation for the Universe to prove you wrong, or prove you right depending on which side of the paradox you want to be in. I do realize, that hunk of a sage I mentioned earlier ;) ;) used the word “never” in his sage words, in his defense, and so I do not come off as a hypocrite here, or like I am talking out of both sides of my mouth, let me clarify the “never” I am referring to.
When I have said “I will NEVER do ______”. This is when the word bites me in the ass. What I have realized over time is, that was the cloud of self doubt. For example….ugh, totally eating crow right now…”I will never be a dancer”, “I will never be a teacher”, “I will never be a leader”, “I will never be a public speaker”, “I will never be on camera”. All these things scared the living begeezus out of me! Why? Well, because my self confidence was shit. The truth goes back to my childhood, yes, again…rolling my eyes again.
When I started my healing journey after deciding to leave the detours, one of the things I ended up being called to do was watch old home movies my parents had taken when I was a toddler. It was interesting to watch. I used to hate looking at pictures or watching videos of myself - now I know it was because I was ashamed, hated parts of myself, I was rejecting myself. So fucked up. But after the healing had started, it was like I was looking with fresh eyes. I saw a toddler with a light, brightly shining, dancing, showing off, loving the camera…was that really me? As the videos played on, I saw the girls light fading as she got older, she stopped smiling, stopped dancing, stopped showing off, finally rejecting the camera and hiding from everyone including herself.
The detour started young, probably about the age of 5 or 6 years old. I believe I am part of the majority. Our detours start right before or right when we start school. For some, sadly, it is even younger. I also believe there is a minority of people who had an extraordinary upbringing that “never” dimmed their light or attempted to change who they were at a fundamental level. Regardless, our parents didn’t know. We didn’t know. We can choose to know better now and do something about it. Put an end to all of it now.
Back to my “nevers”.
Guess what?! I was wrong. Yup I said it, I was wrong about me. I love to dance, apparently am a leader, a teacher, a public speaker, and putting myself on camera. Here is the catch, the paradox, I guess. When I said I would “never” in the past, I think what I had meant to say, is that “I will never do it ‘that way’“, meaning someone else’s way. Words can get so messy, I knew what my heart meant….maybe…The Universe sat back with a smirk and said oh yeah? Watch this. My Soul said, “somebody hold her beer”. I had to get back on the main road to understand all of this.
With all of this said, I am claiming all the parts of me, we are gathering as one, and we are currently making the decision of how to move forward in the next phase of our life.
#1 we have come to the conclusion that dancing is a must, it is not traditional dance, it is GROOVE, it is dancing your way with a group of humans that like to feel good in their body and have fun with other humans.
#2 we are a “leader” whether we like it or not, so we are going to do it our way, and we will not call it any sort of traditional leadership, because it is not, it feels more powerful, so we will call it trailblazing ~ and we love a good fire, so it is a good name.
#3 we are also “teaching” whether we like it or not (we all teach whether we know it or not), I will not and cannot teach in the traditional way, I must share through storytelling, humor, fun, and or hands on showing the way, we will call this being a “trail guide”. Oh, I like where this is going…
#4 we are “public speaking” right now. Maybe this will evolve to an in-person format, this I do not know yet. I wanted to work more effectively and efficiently than one person at a time…lol, at the time I was not thinking about my fears of public speaking…wish is being granted, oh, but did you forget you are not cool with speaking in front of others….yeah, they are warming me up with all this live virtual GROOVING, blogging, videos, and audio recordings…I see how my guides trick me into things…will I call myself a public speaker?…not in the traditional sense…cuz you know I have to feel it out and figure out my own way ~ no new name is coming to me yet ~ will consider suggestions if you have them .
#5 we are putting us on camera…why? Well, my toddler likes the to share everything awesome about us including how dang cute we are and the rest of us are finally on board. I am not sure what this will look like yet, we have ideas but we need the right help. I know it will not be traditional…I have to be authentic or I fall flat. Look, if Impractical Jokers can get away with the shit they do, we certainly can pull off some of the things we want to do when the right people officially take the stage and enter our life to help us out!
OMG, I am just remembering the advice I was given by a woman, who I believe reads these musings, when she had tapped into my “Higher Self” before I really got a handle on “how to”, this must have been last August 2022. She had said I must put all the focus into my Top 5…Holy shit . I really LOVE these epiphany moments!! I want to hug this woman right now! I would totally name her here but do not have her permission yet, so leaving it. I hope you remember…and thank you! Wow, this is not at all what I imagined the top 5 to be nor did I imagine I would just come to them as I am writing to all of you! So damn tricky! LOL, I get though, because if she had told me these were the top 5 a year ago…well, I am not sure I would have bought it. These contemplations are just as much for me as they are for all of you.
Before I end today, I am going to add a piece for my mother. She received this letter from me a little over 2 years ago as her birthday present from me…before you go calling me cheap ~ I took her out to dinner as well. For her it’s a reminder. For the rest of you, I suppose, a display of what healing the Mother Wound can do.
August 15, 2021
Happy Birthday Mom!
You said you really didn’t want anything this year for your birthday other than a walk, golf mate, and well, I guess what might be considered a miracle for our family. Unfortunately, I am not ready for golf yet - found that out yesterday - so that can be my gift next year. Unfortunately, I am not Jesus, the only miracles I can perform are on myself, well, maybe in my office too, but those are willing people and I would argue they are doing it themselves ~ I am just supporting their process. I can walk with you ~ but it didn’t seem enough, so I write. I felt drawn to describe what I know and feel in my heart for you ~ the truth I know this far. My hope and intention is a gift.
I have watched you for nearly 44 years, studied you as a child, argued with you as a teen, shut you out as a young adult, asked for forgiveness as I started growing up and began cleaning up my mess, reconnected with you when you lost your own mother, began understanding and seeing you with new eyes shortly after, returned to studying you as I did when I was a child but with the perspective of an adult and today ~ today I only view you through at lens of gratitude.
I am truly grateful for you. I am grateful that you chose to bring me into this world. I am grateful that you chose to marry a kind, playful, heartfelt, loyal, loving, and insightful man. I honor your choice to go against what your mother thought was “right” for you and follow your heart. It was a different time back then…I recognize the courage and strong will that choice required.
Your zodiac sign is Leo ~ The Lion, a sign of strength, courage, and love. Although I have never really been a fan of cats, I have a special appreciation for lions. They are powerful, wise, and proud creatures. They have eyes that reflect old souls and today see lions as one of my spirit animals.
I have seen you. I have seen you happy. I have seen you mad. I have seen you sad. I have seen you joyful. I have seen you disappointed. I have seen you proud. I have seen you afraid. I have seen you when you feel safe. I have seen you fight. I have seen you when you concede. I have seen you when you feel weak. I have seen you when you are strong. I have seen your worry. I am not sure I have seen you at peace. I hope I get to witness you at peace one day. I have seen the way you love others even if they do not recognize it as love. I am not sure I have witnessed what you loving yourself looks like yet for you. I hope I come to the understanding or get to witness you loving yourself one day and from that day forward.
I see you giving, giving, giving…giving more than you have. I am concerned you will deplete yourself to the point of no return. I mean it when I say we are not meant to work at something so much that it sucks the life out of us to pay the bills. What we “do”, is to bring us joy, satisfaction, feed our souls, be fun, help others, energize us ~ and as a bonus we get paid well for it!!
I am grateful for the traits you have passed on to me and what you have taught me over the last 43 + years. And although it may have not played out how you dreamed or hoped it would, although we may disagree on the details, on which path is the “right” way ~ know that I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
You were the first person that truly loved me like no other. I see it in the photographs when I was a baby ~ it’s only the look of love that a mother can have for their child. It’s the same love I have for my children. You were the foundation, first person to mold me into who I would become. You taught me discipline, strength, how to cook, have high expectation of myself and others, importance of truth/integrity, importance of standing up for what I believe in even when others/majority don’t agree. You role modeled and taught me that women are really the “boss” . You pushed me to be and do better, you role modeled never giving up, you taught me how to get shit done.
You passed on your strength, your resiliency, your passion, your determination, your courage, your love, your power, your confidence, your “bossiness” , and most importantly ~ knowing when it was time to make hard choices ~ the kind of choices that your mother disapproves of because you know it’s the right thing to do even if you are not sure of the reason or what it will look like or even if things will work out like you dreamed they would. This was the most important one. You did not utter this, you may not even recognize or had thought that anyone would ever see…it is the one I honor the most, as, if it wasn’t for that first choice, I would not be here. I honor this one the most as this is my spirit, it fuels my fire, my passions, and everything that I am here, residing in this earthly human body. You may not know it, but you have molded me to do great things.
I will not take this for granted. My heart knows even though my eyes have not seen the pain and sacrifice you have endured for me to be here at this time. I know it sounds crazy ~ I know in my heart of hearts that I am the product of my ancestors hopes and dreams ~ both sides ~ so different they were and are ~ but the combination of the two?! Union ~ true Divine Union creates magic. You and dad bore a magician and I have only just begun to hone in, understand, recognize, and master these gifts. You have witnessed me take the most hopeless situations and turn them into something beautiful ~ now I am doing this for other human beings everyday.
I have officially moved out of the cycle of evolving through pain and suffering. My wounds are healed, my heart is open. I will continue to grow and evolve and experience all the feelings ~ they come and go ~ I will continue to gain momentum, learn, and master new skills ~ truly evolve with no more suffering. It’s indescribable freedom, freedom from all of the fear and cages we put ourselves in. I will make my ancestors proud. I know that everything, everyone has happened for a reason.
Thank you for agreeing to be my mother, thank you for the tough times, thank you for all the good, thank you for you heart, most importantly thank you for loving me!
Happy, Happy, Happiest of Birthdays!
I love you ~ C ~
A little over 2 years later…I might have changed a few words and fixed my grammar…the rest of it is still truth.
If you are still with me, thank you for hanging in there. Take from this whatever is helpful, leave the rest for someone else.
I do have a couple requests today if you do not mind.
#1 would you share this post or recording with others? There are others out there who may need these words today.
#2 would you send me a message, comment below, direct message me on my website, social media, or give me a call if you have a topic, a question, a theme you would like me to cover? I am in the midst of building, a guide, I guess you could say but want to know what is truly needed by you.
That’s all for today folks!
Always with Love and Gratitude,