Day #3
It would be nice if I could remember my dreams. Maybe it would explain why some days you just wake up in that "some sort of way" that just feels off?
Today’s "some sort of way" is slightly annoying or irritating to me, like it’s familiar but one that I haven’t felt in quite some time…or not the same way…difficult to explain. What I am sure of, is, I have had quite the urge to numb out this morning. After being so present yesterday it seems like an odd shift. Then I remember, my guides want to take us for a ride on the self-love train which, I realize now will more than likely be a visit from all the different aspects of myself to be used as an example of how to or how not to approach them…eye roll.
As I notice the urge to numb out, I realize, this is what I used to do when triggered by this particular Gremlin in the past. So, now, instead I notice what happens in my body as my heart and mind stay open. Then I notice a twinge of an old emotion get a little bigger. It’s kind of funny to realize just how tiny the sensation can be that pushes you to want to numb out. Anyway, as the tiny sensation is allowed to get a bit bigger, I realize the emotion rising is my old friend “self-pity”….I immediately do what I am not supposed to do…get irritated that she is here and has something to whine about. Wow, this is not self-love Cheryl.
So, now with all of you, being transparent, we are going to dive into this aspect or part of Cheryl that has risen from the depths and needs to take the stage for a few minutes. Yeah....
Recently learning to do a bit of reverse psychology with myself in a new way, I ask this part of me why she LOVES feeling sorry for herself. The “poor me” in me showed me quite quickly she wasn’t really allowed to freely feel sad or disappointed when she was little. She was pretty much told “suck it up buttercup” ~ my words ~ not hers…it was probably more like: you have nothing to cry about, stop crying, stop whining, what are you whining about, go to your room if you are going to cry, stop being a baby, I will give you something to cry about, etc, etc. And as she brings this to my awareness, I realize I am doing the same thing to her/myself ~ that folks, is NOT self-love. The “irritated” I was feeling quickly shifts to understanding.
I take a deep breath and open my heart a little wider. I kindly invite this young part of myself into our heart space and with the invitation she brings all of her sadness and disappointment, times of being invalidated, unheard, unfelt, dismissed, ignored, misunderstood, feelings of neglect, feelings of unworthiness, not mattering, being left behind, not cared about, and anything else she has had festering for 40 some years.
I ask her again, why she LOVES this feeling. She shows me that she sees that it sometimes works for others, if they feel sorry for themselves that they are taken care of, and she points out that we have done it for others most of our life…taken care of others when they feel their yuck. Touché.
She is wondering when the part of us that shuts her up and off by numbing out, finding distractions, or other things she has attempted over the years is going to allow her cries to be heard. Then I feel all that old yuck that was never released rise from my heart into my throat and eyes. I take a deep breath and…cough? Then I remember ~ oh, yeah, Chinese medicine says grief is stored in the lungs. I allow myself to cough it out. So weird.
I reassure her now that we are 46 years old, we are bravely and actively using our voice, able to express our wants and needs, if others are not available to see, love, help, listen, or support us, we have the capability of finding and asking new humans, and if that doesn’t pan out, there is always Google. She seems satisfied to hang out in my heart space awhile.
In the meantime, I am on the hunt for the aspect of myself that “shuts us up, numbs us out, and finds distractions”. I tell this part of me, “I get it”. And then, she is actually the one who needs to release some tears. This rises from deep in my gut where disgust usually sits. She is disgusted with everyone’s behavior and doesn’t understand why other people are so inconsiderate and clueless sometimes. “I get it”. This part of me feels about 8 years old…which means the other part was way younger. I let this 8-year-old part of me know that she has done a superb job of protecting this younger part and that she can retire from this job she never should have had to take on in the first place. An immediate sigh of relief exits my body. I invite her to join the other part in our heart space for some much-needed rest and healing time. I let them both know they can bring all of their concerns and cares to this space from here on out to be seen and self-nurtured ~ it is all welcome ~ and that I have got it from here ~ the 46-year-old adult version of me.
I feel all of it dissolve, like salt to water. I feel a lifting. There is still a little something in my throat. I am not sure what it is.
I do wish to say, it does feel nice to be taken care sometimes. Sometimes, it is nice to be heard, and seen, and validated, and loved, and supported, and helped, and listened to. It may not be needed a lot, however, it sure is lovely when it happens, duly noted, never forgotten.
I understand at a deep level, how scary and vulnerable it feels to ask for any of the above, due to all the past experiences that have caused pain. Know, that when somebody asks ~ it was probably one of the hardest things they have done. Especially if they have been the givers, the caretakers.
What does all of this have to do with self-love?
Re-parenting wounded parts or aspects of us in a kind, compassionate, loving way ~ the way in which we needed but for all the reasons, didn’t ~ is crucial on the path to loving you. If you find yourself resisting, carrying tension in your body, or like me, all of a sudden noticing you are numbing out, drifting into the land of dissociation at times, all due to a tiny body sensation that was triggered by something…there are still parts of you walking around unhealed and causing a disturbance ~ that disturbance is their cry for help. Meet those parts with compassion, kindness, and love…. not with resistance, impatience, and irritability. They do not like to be ignored…and have a funny way of convincing other unhealed parts to gang up on you!
Hmmm, that something in my throat has also dissolved. Interesting.
I am spent. Thanks for riding along today on the self-love train with us!
Here’s to all you fool's out there on your fool's journey!
Cheers,
Cheryl
