This title stirs up a half grin…only half because the other half is exhausted by it.
What does this even mean?
I am super punchy this morning because the Gremlins are stirring and apparently there is some major resistance to negotiating with them this morning. So, here I am because we all know, whatever you resist persists. They started at 2:32 am - it is now 3:30 am and I have decided to surrender.
Before I went to sleep last night, my guides proposed it is time to start a DAILY blog posting about self-love…yeah, okay…nobody gives a shit about my yoga, dance, teeth cleaning, meditation, reading, writing, what makes me laugh, blah, blah, blah routine. Thumbs down. I am not committing to another “uninteresting to others” thing.
Apparently, when I resist, they wake my ass up at 2:32am and decide it is funny to start it for me, swirling the words around in my head.
UGGGHHHHH! Fine. I hear you.
This is my introduction, I guess.
I have a history of commitment issues. I have parts of me that love to feel really good AND I have parts of me that love to feel really bad. It’s really tough to commit to anything long term when they are always at odds - the only time one side gets ahead is if the other is sleeping on the job. I am realizing I want them to just get over themselves and come to an agreement. What do we really want here??
Those of you who have been keeping up with my Sunday morning blog posts may remember, approximately 3 weeks ago my daughter and I committed to a “YES” challenge after watching the movie “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey…. well, I committed, it was a short-term agreement, as we agreed to participate in this little experiment until her 16th birthday. Her 16th birthday is tomorrow. My guides throw this on me last minute. They want me to say YES to committing to a DAILY posting practice of my inner quest to bridge the gaps within myself. WHAAAAAAA…my inner 2-year-old is throwing a tantrum! I am feeling my own “Inside Out” characters coming to life all protesting in their own way.
Here it comes…
It’s not fair! Haven’t we been vulnerable enough? People really do not give 2 shits what is going on in our life or our head, why waste our time? We need to focus on making money, this is stupid. We need our sleep. This is too much, no way. Really? Seriously? You have got to be kidding?!?!
FML. I KNOW!
And as I listen my heart and jaw soften, my eyes become watery. I know they are scared. What are they scared of…their time and love being stolen or wasted, their heart being broken, humiliation, judgment, failure, and feeling guilty once again if we do not follow through…just to name a few. There is one more lingering in the background I cannot quite put my finger on. Maybe there is a part of me that knows I am too honest, and this one likes to control the narrative sometimes, doesn’t like to tell the whole story, likes to keep our blind spots blind. Maybe it is that one…scared I will reveal too much and…what? I have no idea.
I guess it is time to open up more - I am feeling like my cells are literally being stretched right now - it’s a strange physical feeling and one that feels new or at least rare to me.
The “Yes” movement has evolved into the “More” movement this week, it started 2 days ago, probably subconsciously. All the parts want more of what they want. I cannot satisfy all the Gremlins…at least not all at once. Finding balance, harmony, and a natural flow is probably key. Shit. I am just realizing in this moment that the “Yes” movement ignited all of these parts due to the “NO” conditioning throughout childhood. Pendulum swing! They are scared we are going to go back to denying ourselves.
So, this whole thing is an elaborate scheme? I am annoyed.
Not quite, Cheryl. Fine. What is it? Authenticity. About what? About the journey, about bridging the gaps, about bringing harmony to inner conflict, about loving all the parts of yourself - including the Gremlins, about being human, about braving the unknown, about what it's like to be scared and doing it anyway, about living on the edge and getting away with it, about how exhausted you are trying to be better and do better in a world that doesn’t seem to care, about wanting to give up when you do not see results, about how hard it is to be committed to something you may never see the results of, about who you really are, about showing others we are as similar as we are different and how it is all valuable.
OH.
Most importantly, it is about your biggest fear. My biggest fear? Yes. Not living up to your potential. Do you want to overcome it? Yes. This is part of it and why you are resisting. Why in the world are we scared of living up to our potential? That is a mystery, because it is beautiful over here…
UGGGGHHHH! Ok. Hold my beer, and my purse. Let’s do this. I am ready.
I take a breath. My heart and jaw soften a bit more. My eyes drip a tear. I take another breath. I didn’t realize I was holding it. I truly have no idea what I am surrendering to or what all this resistance is about.
Maybe if you all knew how much internal fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, denial, separation, and guilt I feel at times that eventually leads to self-sabotage I would lose all credibility. Death of my ego, my identity as I have known it, I suppose. I have to die to all of this way more often than I want to admit. There are seemingly unending layers. It’s exhausting. Trying to do better and be better, in a way, is denying who we really are. Sometimes we are assholes. Sometimes we are saints. All that has ever mattered to me is authenticity. So, I guess I shall practice what I preach.
What’s this got to do with self-love? Raw Uncompromising Unapologetic Authenticity honoring every single aspect of you is the highest form of self-love.
OH.
Felt that.
Ok.
Where do I sign?
Honestly, I have no idea where this will go. More Frankly, it will probably be a complete shit-show. It’s better that I own the dumpster fire upfront. Maybe it won’t be as dramatic as it feels. Here goes something. Day 1 opening up to raw uncompromising unapologetic authenticity honoring every single aspect of myself, sharing with anyone who cares to read or resonate and wrapping my mind around what this will mean on a daily basis.
What does this mean? What is the actual point? A gradual climb to your highest potential darling. Those who want to join or watch from the sidelines are welcome.
I see.
Dedicating this new blog series to others out there who are Fools on a Fools Journey and to those watching on the sidelines.
Here is to living on the edge and getting away with it.
Cheers, Cheryl